The Randy Italian Waiter

8:30 a.m.: On the subway. A gaggle of giggling, jiggling, Catholic schoolgirls gallop by. I remind myself that I am not a pedophile.
10:30 p.m.: My girlfriend strips down to her pink G-string and lies down on the bed to read. Happy, wholesome thoughts prance innocently through my mind. 10:40 p.m.: The phone rings; it’s my girlfriend’s roommate. Realizing this may be the closest I’ll ever get her into a three-way, I attack and go down on her while she’s on the phone.
10:55 p.m.: Sex, hurray!
11:15 p.m.: Sleep, hurray!

NYMag